What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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