I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
