Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
