New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize