End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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