Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
