you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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