I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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