I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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