Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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