I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
