I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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