just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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