can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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