An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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