I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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