Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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