So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
