I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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