She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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