i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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