i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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