i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
