Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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