I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
