Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize