Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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