Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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