Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
