all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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