You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
