my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
