i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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