OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
