seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
did i walk over a car last night?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
