It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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