SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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