My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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