Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
