I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
