Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
