My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
