i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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