If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
