just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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