also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
