the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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