All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
