I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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