I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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