We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
