Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
