It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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