No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
