I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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