If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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