I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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