You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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