she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
