I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
