dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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