Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
This beer is not sobering me up at all
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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