why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
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