Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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