No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
