I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
